Elien's Story
Always s
miling, anywhere and anytime, but deep inside I was so unhappy. Life was a huge struggle for me as I was anxious when doing anything that normal life involved: like opening the door when a visitor came, going to the butcher, reading in front of the class, picking up the telephone. At night I was bathed in sweat, being scared of the darkness, but I didn't dare tell anyone. These hidden fears and this anxiety in doing even the normal things in life were my little (big!) secret and I was determined to overcome them. I had been brought up with the idea that 'you are what you do' and for a person like me this created a huge pressure. But I decided to pursue 'freedom' and do what I was supposed to do and to do it well.
I guess I was striving and trying too hard to survive this performance-oriented world. But the moment eventually came when I was completely worn out and exhausted. I was crying for hours a day, lying in my bed and I had withdrawn myself from everyone and everything. I had begged God to give me a sign of life, but the walls around my heart did not let in His response.
It all seemed very hopeless when I decided to go to the Inheriting The Nations School in New Zealand. It was clear to me that only God (if He was there) could help me. And He was there and He did not disappoint me! At the school I got to know Him as my best Papa ever! One evening He spoke straight into my heart with the words, "I did it all"!
He did it all... I probably had heard this a thousand times before, but it had never landed in my heart until then. These few words touched me so deeply because I always thought I was the one who had to do everything. Here was my Father saying to me that I didn't need to do anything because He already had taken care of everything. I could just be His daughter. My whole life had been about pursuing the 'freedom to do', but now I realized I could live in the 'freedom to be'. What a revelation for me!
Knowing that 'He did it all' was the key for me to relax and let Him do the work. One day soon after I crashed and allowed Him to tear down the walls around my heart. I ended up in the arms of Denise Jordan and as she was praying, her arms really became the arms of the Father. For the first time in my life I felt safe and comforted when the Father's heart touched mine. As
His love was pouring into my heart, all fear, anxiety, hopelessness and trauma had to leave, and it did!!! I had never felt so loved. Then I knew that I became a daughter of Almighty God and recognized Him as my perfect Father.Since I got back home from the school in New Zealand everything has changed. I have again got hope for the future and energy to live. Our dark house where depression was very real is now a joyful place where the Father's light is present. And the relationship between me and my dad has been restored!
As time goes on, I realise that I still have to walk in 'the path of daughter-ship'. I love being a daughter. I feel so free! However, I have come to real
ize that as soon as I take a few steps 'off track' and do things in my own strength I feel the depression and burnout lurking round the corner again. I could not understand why the Father didn't also heal that 'burnout part' of me, but I have come to understand one thing: The Father did not (and will not) heal the orphan in me, He has been restoring the daughter in me. How wise He is! I used to be able to live far away from the path of daughter-ship when I lived out of my own strength. That orphan life was nothing more than survival. That wasn't what I was created for! The burnt out orphan in me is not a weakness, it is my strength because it forces me back to the path of daughter-ship. It takes me to the path where I can just be and let my Father love me. To the path where I find rest, where I can live and be free. On that path I feel that I am home. And that makes me very happy!
